66 Days: This is Turning Into A Real Nail-Biter

No pun intended.

Calories consumed: 1000
Exercise: 45 minutes (walking 3.5 mph; intermittent jogging....well, really just 1 all-out sprint when my route took me under  I-10 by the homeless shelter and halfway house).
Weight: 133.4 (-0.6 lbs since yesterday -4.6 overall)

The producers of a reality TV show couldn't have edited the footage of my weight loss journey to make it more of a nail-biter than it has become.  For anyone who is just now joining us, I decided at the outset of this blog that I was hoping to lose 5 pounds by tomorrow because I have a hair trial for the wedding and I was going to reward myself for reaching the 5 lb mark by getting a very badly needed pedicure (see photos from Day 74 for proof).

At the time when I made this little deal with myself, I expected to coast into 5 pound territory far earlier than tomorrow.  But then there was the stagnation of doom and the day of scale trickery and/or water retention.  And now here we are.  A mere 1 day away from my arbitrary and self-imposed deadline and 0.4 pounds to go.  So like I said, reality TV couldn't have fake-timed this better.

Anyway, enough about that.  Yesterday one of my friends who has been following the blog sent me a link to one of our local news stations.  They were running an article about weird ways to lose weight.  That sounded like something that would be right up my alley, so I clicked the link.  Now, I do not claim to be any kind of a diet or fitness expert. We're all learning together here.  But my friends, if I know one thing about weight loss, I know this: the suggestions in this article are absolute crap.   Let's explore them!

1) Use your non-dominant hand while eating. Rationale: You will eat slower and concentrate on the fork.  I believe that this entry was accidentally moved from the "How to Ruin All Your Clothes" article.

2) Put your fork down after every bite and chew 30 times. Rationale: You will eat slower and your body will feel fuller. I strongly believe in savoring food and stuff....but 30 bites? What the heck does this article think you're eating? A leather strap?!

3) Make your food uneatable! (ie., dumping salt, sugar, pepper, etc. on food so that you can't pick at your plate after you've finished) This one is actually quite effective.  So much so, that it is popular with teenage girls with eating disorders the world over.  Try this instead: ask your waiter for a to-go box and put half of your meal in it right away.  It's far less offensive to the starving children in China.

4) Brush your teeth when you feel the need to snack. Rationale: your body will "think" that it's time for bed and that there is no more eating for the day.  I can do you one better: when you need a snack, eat toothpaste. Then call poison control.  They'll pump your stomach, and that translates to real weight loss.

5) Place your used napkin on top of your plate.  Okay, I can't really argue with this one.  At least they're not suggesting we dump salt and pepper everywhere.

6) Place a picture of yourself at your heaviest on the refrigerator door. Rationale: Pure shame. (Though they don't say it in so many words). As someone who has a dumpy frumpy photo on my fridge I can attest: by the time your hand is on the fridge door it's too late for petty shame.  Try putting a dozen or so rabid bats in the fridge.  That works every time.

7) Wear tight clothes. Rationale: You can't/won't eat if you know that you're one after-dinner mint away from popping your top button. While you're at it, there's a huge sale going on at the Baby Gap! I swear, between this suggestion and the eating with your non-dominant hand thing, they really could have started a new list called "Ways to Make Fat People Look Ridiculous." Seriously, unless you want your professional and social life to suffer, wear clothes that fit.

8) Imagine yourself thin. I don't even care what rationale they give for this, that is NOT a way to lose weight...unless you're a Jedi. Believe me.

9) Use small plates.  How about: use small portions.  There. Much better.

10) Drink water before you eat a meal. Okay. that one is actually good. At least they ended on a high note!

Happy Friday y'all!