35 Days Until Gown: NEED A PLAN.

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Alright.   So.  Apparently when you go on a two-day diet vacation, it is the day after you get back on track (read: get rehydrated) that you really feel the damage.

Weight: 127.6. Oof!!   A full week behind schedule.  If you recall, this was last Monday's goal weight for a pedicure.  This is not good things.  This puts me 1.5 pounds over where I should be right now if I want to lose 1.5 pounds a week and get down to 120 for the wedding.  This is what we in the business call, "a huge f***ing setback." This. Is. Bad.

The lesson to be learned here: cheating doesn't pay.

So here I am, exactly 5 weeks out from the wedding and I need to lose 7.6 pounds to reach my goal, win the bet with my Father, conquer the gown, and save the world!  

What I need now is a plan. A plan to get back on track, ramp it up a notch, and still, somehow, find time to study for my rapidly approaching final exams.

My friends, I didn't want to have to do this, but I think it's time to reach into the Bag-O-Plans.

Plan 1:  The Anaconda Plan

Popularized during the 1860s, the Anaconda Plan refers to the systematic naval and terrestrial blockade of imports to the seceding states during the Civil War.  Put simply, the idea was to starve the people of the South into submission and force their return to the Union.  Last I checked, we are still, in fact, one nation which indicates to me that the Anaconda Plan worked.  If that plan could starve a bunch of surly rebels into rejoining the Union, then it can certainly starve me into losing 7.6 pounds in 5 weeks.  So, President Obama, would you mind cutting off the entire Southern portion of the country from any imports?  My guess is that before long the bars, restaurants, and grocery stores that have contributed to my demise will be out of business and thinness will ensue (and not just for me, but also for 2/3 of us that are overweight!)

Plan 2: The Jam Plan 


Popularized by the 1990s sitcom, Friends, the Jam Plan refers to Monica Gellar's plan to "get over her man" (ex-boyfriend Richard played by Tom Selleck) by doing nothing but making a ton of homemade jam.  Now, I am certainly not advocating that I try to get over Chunky Groom by resorting to strange cooking techniques. But I do think that a diet consisting of strictly jam might be just gross enough that I get violently ill and lose a ton of weight just like "that."

Plan 3: The Eating Disorder Plan


Inspired by the Jam Plan, why stop at eating nothing but jam?  Why not simply progress into eating nothing but...nothing?   Or perhaps, nothing for a really long time, and then a whole bunch of stuff all at once, and then puking?

No, on second thought, let's not do the Eating Disorder Plan.  It is a silly plan.

Plan 4: The 30 Day Shred


Inspired by Satan and brought to your living room by Jillian Michaels, the 30 Day Shred is actually a practical plan that would probably work.  And I already own the DVD.  And it's actually in my DVD player at this very moment.  And my elbow appears to be feeling better.  And I no longer have Moot Court obligations.  And it is roughly 30 days out from the wedding...

....this is making too much sense not to try.

Damnit!